A mom and a WARRIOR!: Tuesday! Day 51.

Day 51. Boom.

I took a long break from the blog but I did not take a break from my eating plan or from my workouts....just wanted to be clear. I've been working hard for 51 days and eating MOSTLY clean. I've definitely had a few cheats here and there. I've had a few cocktails on 3 occasions and one day I ate some jolly rancher jelly beanzzzzzzzz. I wanted to be clear on my cheats....keeping it REAL!

I am STRUGGLING to eat. I am FULL AS HELL! My belly is screaming, "Noooooooooooo more protein." Now, if you asked me to put down 2,000 calories from In-n-Out, I'd be like........EASY! Animal style fries....nom, nom, nom!

Breakfast: 8oz chocolate Muscle Egg, 3 Italian turkey meatballs (no lie, it's what's for breakfast) 330
Snack: turkey patty with brussel sprouts, mushrooms, and onions 272
Lunch: turkey taco meat, whole wheat, low carb tortilla 315
Snack: Quest Bar-cookies and cream 180
Dinner: egg, asparagus, onion, mushroom scramble (haven't eaten it yet) 207
Snack: protein shake, 1 tbs all natural peanut butter (ugh.....I'm full) 265

Calorie total: 1,569
Workout today: 750

I was trying to figure out WHY I got so fat in the first place. I was an athletic kid. Super competitive. As I grew older (high school), I realized that I didn't have a body like the other girls. I wasn't small, never wore a small size, and I ate food. Real food. I started to hate my body.

My weight was fine when I was playing volleyball, soccer, and cheering. But during the spring of my senior year, I had no more sports and I kept eating. HELLO 15 pounds. Enter "mean girls", and cue comments from guys, "You have a pretty face. You would look GREAT if you lost a little weight." Flash forward to freshman year in college. Hello +15 more pounds. I HATED my body at 155lbs. I decided to lose weight.

Enter eating disorder. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. Then I kept losing and I got down to 104lbs. (I'm 5' 7"ish). Got treatment, got to a healthy weight. Had kids. I lost all of my baby weight with both kids. It took about a year after each were born. I was at a healthy weight. 130-135.

I wanted to be like everyone else. I never appreciated who I am and what I have to offer the world.

Then after my son turned 2, I got fat. Over a period of 5 years, I ballooned up to 184. WHY? I lost myself. Being a wife, a mother of two, and a teacher took up all of my identity. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to be "the best mom", and the "best wife", and "the best teacher". I used food and drink to self medicate because my life was so stressful. I wasn't the best at anything and I was falling apart.

I think a lot of moms do this. We put everyone first and we run out of energy for ourselves. Full time working moms deal with the stresses of a job, child care, and then come home to do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child rearing. Weekends are jammed full of "activities" and things for the kids. (I can't speak for stay-at-home moms because I was never one but I imagine that there is NO break. You are always "on".)

The answer to finding yourself is to be selfish. Take the time you need to figure out what YOU want. Figure out what YOU like to do. This will set an amazing example for our daughters. You don't have to do everything or be everything to everyone. Fuck that. If your kid is 5 years old and he/she is hungry....the kid is more than capable of making a peanut butter sandwich while mom is taking a bath or taking 15 minutes to read a chapter. Boom.

So true. We glorify "busy". Let's start glorifying simple. Let's take everything down about 10 notches. Spend time alone and spend time with your family. It's not that fucking hard.

Let's just fucking STOP. Stop making these demands of perfection upon ourselves. Laugh at the ridiculous. Be REAL about who you are....don't be afraid to voice your opinion. I'll give you an example....I THINK ELF ON A SHELF IS FUCKING STUPID. I think people now use the holidays (all holidays) as a way to compete with one another. FUCK ELF ON A SHELF! See, I know that there are people who like elf on a shelf...and they will read this. But I don't care about offending them BECAUSE it is OK to have a difference of opinion. See?? You can disagree with people without the world coming to an end. Now, don't you feel better?