Don't tell me what to eat. No Really, sthaaaaap!

I have, and always have had, an issue with people telling me what to do.  Ever since I was able to form words, NO has always been a favorite.  It's actually a darling habit bordering on a diagnosis of oppositional disorder.

I've not had to "learn how" to say no.  It's genetic.

My parents had to resort to using reverse psychology to get me to do ANYTHING and were able to use it for YEARS.  Poor bastards.
 

Maybe I'm not alone...

"Don't take a nap, Andi."  "DO NOT eat your vegetables."  "Whatever you do, do not go to sleep."

I am a bit... controlling.   I do not like people to tell me what to do, watch, wear, like, or eat. I "am late" to every popular TV show because some stubborn part of my brain shouts...NO, everybody is watching THAT!

 But I digress.  Don't tell me what to do and especially don't tell me what to EAT.  Do NOT fucking tell me what to eat.  Seriously, fucker.  Shhhhhhhh.

In my adult life I have weighed as little as 104 and as much as 184.  When I was skinny and sick, people had NO problem telling me what to eat and how much I should eat.  When I was fat, people gave unsolicited dieting advice and I got, "You would be so pretty if you lost a few pounds."  Now that I am in the middle normal/chubby size 8, people are STILL trying to give me advice...for which, I DIDN'T ask.

 I am INTIMATELY AWARE of which foods make you fat and which foods don't.  I am extremely hard on myself.  I don't need advice and I ESPECIALLY don't need advice from men...and/or people who have never given birth.  With all due respect, go FUCK yourself.  AND I KNOW WHAT TO EAT.  AND I KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT. AND I UNDERSTAND WHICH FOODS ARE HEALTHY.

Or when they tell me how to diet and "get abs".  You think you know.  YOU DON'T KNOW.

Of course I SAY I want to lose weight.  Part of me honestly DOES.  But I also want to eat yummy food.  I DO NOT want to live my life in constant deprivation, eating unseasoned chicken and asparagus.  If YOU like this way of life, then GO FUCKING LIVE IT.  Look at your abs and be proud.  As for me, I just wanna lose 15 pounds and still enjoy life.  At 43, I no longer have the determination and will power to struggle with food daily.  I can no longer be at war with myself and my daily food intake.  It's exhausting.  It makes me unhappy.  It makes me angry.  

General piece of advice for everyone.  Take your opinions about me and other people and keep them in your HEAD like a normal person.  I mean, I see lots of shit on Facebook that I have opinions about.  I look at political posts and I JUDGE people.  I read at religious posts and I have SO MUCH TO SAY.  I have opinions, sometimes strong ones, and you know what?  I keep them to myself.  Nothing I say/post is going to change who you will choose to elect in November.  Nothing I write will sway you in regards to your religion.  WHO AM I to weigh in on these posts anyway?  Nobody.  I am nobody.  Let's all do something AWESOME.  Let's all just shut the fuck up.
 

Hush, fuckers.

That brings me to another, somewhat related, topic on keeping your fucking opinion to yourself.  How annoying it is to have celebrities be all "preachy" at awards ceremonies?  The same celebrities who go around fucking anything that walks, cheating on spouses, living a douchy lifestyle that leaves a WAY bigger carbon footprint (private jet, son) than I, and THEY are going to lecture ME on the environment?  Makes me want to fucking fill a landfill with disposable diapers and toss cigarettes into rain gutters.  Makes me want to curse in a British accent.  Makes me want to...... I guess that's a blog for another day.

AND to close.  The daily odd compliment.

Don't know when I'll be back!  PEACE!  xoxoxox

Reboot my booty!

 In the midst of another sleepless night, flopping around like a beached whale, I found this link posted on my Facebook wall.  A friend thought I would like it.  And I really, really did. 

 

Or.....whale. Whatever.  The thought being a large mammal thrashing around in bed.

This is the link, written by Wil Wheaton...
Seven Things I Did to Reboot My Life

The minute I read it I thought, "YES, a reboot.  THIS is a great idea.  I can do this."  Nobody loves a blueprint more than me.  No-damn-body.  If there was ever a bitch who LOVES rules and a plan, it's this bitch. 

 And THEN I la-la-love to break the rules I set out for myself...because of who I am as a person.

I do what I want! -Cartman

So I decided to come up with my own list of things that will help me get back in touch with my authentic self....you know, the self without all the BULLSHIT.  So here goes.

1.  Drink less wine (less alcohol).  If I reduce my wine, I reduce my calories. I reduce the chances of eating crap food.  I reduce insomnia and I reduce belly fat.  These are all GREAT things that make me feel happy.  So, no more Friday night wine (just cuz) or I've had a shitty day wine, or I'm going to reward myself with wine.  Wine on special occasions! <meep -_->

OMG, yes.

2.  Ditch the scale.  I literally went ONE day without the scale.  One.  WHAT A PUSSY! My anxiety level yesterday was through THE FUCKING roof!  This morning as Matt went out to get coffee, I tip toed out to the closet, snuck it back into the bathroom to use it, then tip toed that shit back out.  Like a fucking crack addict.  Shameful.....honestly.  I can DO this.

Anxious all day...

3.  Spend less time on Facebook/on my phone.  Enough said.  Interact more with people.  Gulp.  Try to embrace social interactions and plans I make, rather than dread them.  Be brave, be bold, be present.

Troof.

4.  Read more REAL books....the paper kind (not digital).  Connect with the written word.  It always brings me peace.

5.  Cook healthy meals for the family after work.  No more "We are so busy" bullshit.  Yes, I work full time.  Yes, my family is busy.  Yes, it is my job to feed this family properly.  Make the kids sit and EAT THE FUCKING MEAL I PREPARED.

6.  Meditate daily on my bolster (not in bed).  DAILY.  With candles. Because I like candles.

7.  Research sleep.  Get more of it nightly.  FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.

8.  Simplify EVERYTHING.  Spend less, need less, want less.
  
This is the reboot.  I got this.  Change is good, change is good, change is good....

Later, sexy bitchezzzzz!

 

New Year

It's been almost a YEAR since I blogged last.  I cannot express what a YEAR it's been. A death in the family, a thyroid cancer scare (I'm TOTALLY fine), a double mastectomy for mom,  another family member with ovarian cancer, teaching a split grade, a sick, sick dog, and buying and selling a house.  I'm sure there was a lot of GOOD this year too...but it was just a "FUCK ME, FUCK YOU, FUCK IT" kind of year.  
 

2015 can suck it!

I feel like I have been in "reaction" mode all year rather than in a positive proactive state of mind.  I got a lil lost.

Fast forward to today.  Black Friday.  It's the day after Thanksgiving and I woke in a food and wine induced shame spiral that ended with me stepping on the scale.  Firstly, "the number" was BAD, secondly, my pedicure is to'e up.

I need a pedi!!!!!

This led me to two very important decisions.
1.  I am taking 2 classes at the gym today.  Bootcamp AND spin.
2.  I need to book a pedi....STAT. (Gotta shave though AND wait until payday.  So, STAT in 3 days).

A third very important decision was made today as I was driving home from the gym..."properly punished" for enjoying food and wine.
                                       I am done with my scale.
 

Word!

I am throwing the mother fucker the fuck OUT (OK, I'm really hiding her.) I have decided that letting my daily happiness depend upon a number is complete and utter bullshit.  I am the same person regardless of my weight.  I deserve the same happiness, I deserve to enjoy my life, I deserve a cupcake once in a while without wanting to jump of a bridge. Actually I fucking DESPISE cupcakes but you get the idea.
 

Who me?

Keep in mind, I have weighed myself virtually EVERY day since I was 19.  So, I'm freaking the fuck OUT.  How does one start the day without the scale?  How will I know what to feel?  How will I know what to wear??

Ummmmmmm, yaaaaaaas!

 So 2016 starts now...outside my comfort zone and on an anti diet.  NO, this is not an excuse to eat ALL THE FOOD.  I believe I can reclaim my happy.  I can choose to eat healthy food most of the time, I can choose to eat when I am hungry and NOT on a schedule.  I am going to unlearn every "rule" about dieting I've heard in the last 3 years.  Fuck paleo, fuck low carb, fuck IIFYM, fuck it all.  I'm going to eat real food and stop worrying so much.  THERE IS NOTHING ON MY "NO" LIST.

I actually like eating healthy food!

 I can choose to wake up, meditate on the joy and gratitude for the many amazing people in my life.  I can choose to be a fearless bad ass who doesn't GIVE A FUCK about others' opinions of my body.

NO MORE, mutha fuckaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzz

I don't wanna eat your face off though...cuz that's fucking gross.  Bleck.

So the goal for 2016 is not abs for days, it's not a number on a scale, it's not to fit into a certain size.  The goal for 2016 is to be healthy and happy as FUCK.
 

Dear scale, you are a controlling bitch.  I'm breaking up with you.

And finally...

 I promise I would!  xoxoxoxoxo  Thanks for reading, bitchezzzzz!

Week One (since my dunk)

Yesterday completed week 1 since the traumatic "before picture scenario" and the near drowning experience of the hydrostatic body dunk.

When I get discouraged, I look at before/afters! Shit MOTIVATES me!

Before/After Fitness Transformations

Here is my before/after for a period of almost 2 years.  Please know that I am really putting myself out on a limb here!  So embarrassing!!!

February, 2013 168lbs (14 pounds lighter than my heaviest)

December, 2014 130lbs.

I don't have my "before" for this challenge but when I get it, I will share. 

 

Since 7 days ago, I've noticed the following...
1. I've lost 5.3 pounds.
2. Despite drinking 80-100oz of water, eating 3-6 cups of vegetables a day, and taking metamucil nightly, I'm having stingy poops.  I might have to call in the big dogs with "Smooth Move" tea.
3. I am really craving Coke Zero.
4. I am struggling with pounding egg whites.
5. I'm noticing my baby abs coming out to play!
 

If only shitting were that easy!

Keep in mind with the Coke Zero thing.  I HAVE NEVER REGULARLY been a soda drinker.  When I do order a soda, I don't finish it.  So WHY, am I craving this MORE than a glass of wine because I assure you...I have NEVER left a fucking glass (bottle??) of wine unfinished.  Perplexing and annoying!

Mine!

Truth!

Exercise
This week came with new experiences in the gym!  I am doing Crossfit on Monday and Wednesdays, I am doing a booty muscle building class on Saturdays, and I'm doing HICT (high intensity circuit training/boxing etc) on the rest of the days. I've been in the weight room twice...by MYSELF and am generally trying to mix things up.

I can now officially say....

Hahaha!  This is EXACTLY how I look when lifting.  Bikini top, full make up and hair...

 

Today I am doing a "rest day" so I am doing a cycle class at LA Fitness at 8am. I need to fit in my cardio before coaching the bad news bears.....I mean the Vipers.  Go, Vipers!

I have misplaced my heart rate monitor so I don't have a weekly calorie burn total.

I'm just trying to make EPIC changes in 90 days.  I'm excited to see the results.  All.  Fucking.  IN!

My song would be "Brick House" or "Hedwig's Theme"

 

Diet
I am carb cycling.  Eating more fresh food/vegetables than I have EVER...in my life and I am struggling with downing egg whites.  I did a "clean cheat" twice with my Quest bars when I needed something sweet.

Here is a book on carb cycling that my friends Diane and Andrea recommended.  I just ordered it from Amazon.  As soon as it gets here, I will read it.

Excited to see how it compares to my plan!

 
FUCKING SLEEP
Although I am sleeping 6-8 hours a night (sometimes in a row), I cannot sleep in on the weekends.  The 4am weekday alarm is officially embedded in my brain.  So I am fucking AWAKE between 4:30-5:30.  Fuck.  My.  Life. I try to go back to sleep but I can't.  

Thanks, Leo!  This one makes me giggle!

Money
We have challenged ourselves to save $500-$1,000 a month by not eating out.  We have cooked (I have meal prepped) and we are on schedule.  I'll let you know by 1/31 the total amount of $$ saved!  My kids are so bummed!  At home food!

This is me. And it is a problem.

Some funnies!

You're Welcome!!!

I need this!!!

hahahahahah!

I wish I was single!!!  lolol!

Bye beautiful people!  Have a kick ass week!!!

 

Carbs

People ask, "How is your diet going?"  I don't annoyingly correct them...it's a LIFESTYLE change.  I find people who do that hmmmmmmm, well dead ANNOYING.  I just do this.

It's all good!

 Truth is, I AM doing a diet.  I am doing an extreme fitness transformation with very specific goals, meals, and my food is LIMITED.  It's not limited in calories, in fact, I am eating 6x a day.  (I am actually eating so much I fucking feel so damn full.  YOU eat protein, a cup of broccoli, and brown rice.....then try to eat again 3 hours later.  FUCK!)  But limited in types of food and how they are prepared.  I am eating very little salt (makes for some gaggy meals), I'm trying not to eat at restaurants, and I'm eating real, fresh, organic food.  It's a whole lot more unseasoned broccoli than one EVER needs to eat....and DO NOT get me started on egg whites.  MOTHER. FUCKING. EGG. WHITES.

Fucking egg whites.....no salt.......nuthin.

I absolutely eat carbs.  They are NOT the enemy. I eat HEALTHY carbs (brown rice, quinoa, sweet potatoes, green veggies).  I do carb "cycling". Look that shit up!

Me tonight!!!!!  CARBZZZZZZ!  Sweet potato madness!!!!

 

 

Word.

Bitches be eating the WRONG kind of carbs!

 I plan on doing a ton of research during this challenge so I can keep some of these meals but also begin to cook healthy but tasty food for the long run.  Food my kids will eat.  Food that will help me sustain a "lifestyle" change.  



I really, really love working out. I am so lucky that it's not a "chore" for me.  I've added Crossfit and the weight room!  And I like it more and more as I get more comfortable with each.  Next week I'd like to up my weights a bit.  This week I kept the weights low so I could practice form and to make sure I'm not going to injure my back....a-fuckin-gain.

Just kidding.  I LOVE cardio too!

The hardest part for me is the food.  So I just wake up every morning and commit myself to being healthy for the day.  You NEVER know how dependent you are on food as a "mood soother" until some really stressful shit happens.  A death in the family, a stressful work situation, an argument with someone.  My literal first thoughts are....I need wine....and some kind of pasta.

Every fucking day.  Focus and refocus!

This is a perfect body to me!  Curvy and tight.  Holy shit!  I would so make out with this chick!

K guys, I gotta go pack my meals for work tomorrow.  AND I need to help my kid with homework!  Always in parting, I say peace!



Oh and remember...don't.  go.  to.  Walmart!

This HAS to be photo shopped.  Right?  Fucking right??

Back titties.  Enough said.